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No More Mr. Nice Guy

No More Mr. Nice Guy

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He hasn’t even established the cause: just because more women are raising and teaching men, does not mean any significant number of men have actually lacked any male mentors, peers, and role models, or that doing so correlates in any way with the syndrome Glover invented (remember, he conducted no studies whatever). Even Covey, who started with a degree in business and whose doctorate was in religious education, studied the pertinent science of education, and his dissertation was literally on self-help literature, and his resulting book remains recommended by scientists across the spectrum of the subject.

The second time, my medical insurance had a list of about 30 (alleged) CBT therapists they would pay for. The founder of Fear Busters, Jeffers’s book is a readable and powerful prescription for facing and overcoming fear. In essence, psychology as a field spends more time giving men fish (often poisonous fish at that), rather than teaching them to fish. science is that its results are less certain, and therefore more questionable—and are really, honestly, just the stop-gap we have to resort to while we wait for real science to weigh in. Because one of the trap-beliefs of toxic masculinity is that any challenge to it is an effort to emasculate, and is therefore rejected.The only fix really is to start changing the cultural mindset about this, so we will collectively see this as a national infrastructure problem and not just another thing we throw mere chump change at because we don’t take it seriously. If they still, after all that, are a terrible partner or you don’t really like being with that person, don’t. There is a toxic masculinity you should not be making yourself comfortable with, just as there are attitudes about sex one should not.

When healthy individuals recognize that they have created a relationship that is not a good fit, or that a partner they have chosen lacks the basic qualities they desire, they move on. Robert Glover has devoted his career as a psychotherapist to freeing men from what he was dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome"-trying too hard to please others while neglecting their own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. The first time, I found a terrific therapist who left the field after about three sessions to raise her child. By using the Web site, you confirm that you have read, understood, and agreed to be bound by the Terms and Conditions.A client that is doing that, clearly does have a problem in need of correcting, and the corrective may indeed be to stop associating his self-worth with his wife or girlfriend’s libido, but it does not follow that every Nice Guy is doing that, or for the same correctable reason, or that this is all that emotional validation in a relationship is about. Some of Glover’s wild speculations declared as if facts suggest a sexist dark side even lurks behind his confidence; which in turn suggests maybe we shouldn’t even be reading his advice as charitably as I have been.

If I were to identify one common factor at the core of every problem experienced by Nice Guys, it would be fear. Men do not choose to “not” get an erection; the cause can be anything from stress or anxiety to low blood pressure, or even, let’s be honest, a plain lack of sexual arousal. Only by asking himself what he believes is right, and then doing it, does he become a man of integrity. These work well enough as stated, especially given the examples he gives in the book that illustrate what he means.Relationships are a team project of negotiation between equals toward mutual goals, not a hierarchy or a battle or a vending machine. If I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.

When Nice Guys are learning to tell the truth, I encourage them to pay attention to the things they least want others to know, and what they least want to reveal. Good relationships are not realized by simply being comfortable with yourself and honest about who you are and what you think and feel. As long as Nice Guys are disconnected from men or believe they are different from other men, they cut themselves off from the many positive benefits of male companionship and the power of a masculine community. Over the last several years, I have watched countless men "do something different "by applying the principles contained in this book.Even though I am sure it is possible to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome without the help of a group, it is the most effective tool I know for facilitating the recovery process. g. a healthy assertiveness, self-care, ambition, confidence, honesty, and sexuality—none of which by itself is dangerous or unsafe, nor is society saying they are). As another example, Glover insists “these men learned to hide their flaws and tried to become what they believed others wanted them to be,” but what is the difference between “hiding one’s flaws” and actually working to become a better person? Carrier’s article about self-improvement, I went for a walk in one of my gag T-shirts, this one saying, “I’m trying to be a better person, but I’m just a T-shirt.

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